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Slayers Library -> Humor -> Channel Surfing, by Mango

Channel Surfing, by Mango

Xelloss: Welcome to Cooking With Lina! Now, here's your host LINA INVERSE!
Lina: Thanks Xelloss. Been up to much mischief?
Xelloss: Damn right. Ha ha ha ha ha.
:: Xelloss disappears::
Lina: Riiiiiiiiiight. Now, today we'll be cooking up a roast chicken. Mmm...chicken.
Gourry: So Lina, how're we going to prepare this culin...killin...cullin...
Lina: What's a matter?
Gourry: I can't read the cue card.
Lina: (reading) Culinary delights.
Gourry: (nodding) That's it.
Lina: Anyway...Here are our ingredients. Chicken, tomatoes, salt, pepper, and other secret spices. Now first--
Gourry: Is the chicken done yet?
Lina: No Gourry. We haven't even started yet.
Gourry:d D'oh. I want my chicken now!
Lina: Now first--
Gourry: What are you doing?
Lina: I'm about to roast a chicken.
Gourry: Really? Is it done yet?
Lina: (frustrated) You want the chicken to be done now?
Gourry: Well...yeah.
Lina: You sure?
Gourry: Um...yeah?
Lina: Great here you go...CHICKEN SLAVE!
::The set is smoldering as Gourry stands charred and smoking::
Audience: BAM!
Lina: Ta da! Chicken fit for a king!
Phil: Really?
Lina: Yare, yare!

~Zap~

Zel: Hello. Welcome to Mild Kingdom. I'm your host, Zelgadis. How are you all today? Today we'll be studying the wild and elusive...tree squirrel. Thrills and chills. (shouts offstage) Look, I can't do this any more--I quit!

~Zap~

Phiria: Hello, welcome to the Six o'clock News at Ten--I'm Phiria.
Xelloss: Hi Phiria. Our top story tonight is a secret. (pauses, turns to Phiria) Phiria?
Phiria: ...um...yeah...How about that weather Xelloss?
Xelloss: It's a secret.
Phiria: Traffic?
Xelloss: A secret.
Phiria: Upcoming stories later tonight?
Xelloss: (opening his mouth)
Phiria: Wait! Consider this: If you say "it's a secret," I will mace the HELL out of you. Now, how about those upcoming stories?
Xelloss: They are... Let me put it this way, I know them, but I'm not telling.
:: Phiria smacks Xelloss in the back of the head and he sticks his tongue out at her, then disappears::
Phiria: (ranting) I just wanted a legitimate news program. Is that so wrong?

~Zap~

Regis: It's Who Wants To Be A Millionaire! Here is our first contestant! Gourry Gabriev!
Gourry: Where am I?
Regis: Ha ha ha! This guy is a riot.
Gourry: Who are you?
Regis: Now Gourry, are you ready?
Gourry: For what?
Regis: For the questions.
Gourry: What questions?
Regis: (aside) I told you folks he was funny.
Gourry: Who are you talking to?
Regis: Lets begin. For one hundred dollars: What is the opposite of an apple?
Gourry: A squirrel?
Regis: Let me offer you some choices first. A) an orange B) a grape C) a pumpkin or D) a cucumber.
Gourry: (thinking hard) Hmm... huh...hmm... huh...? What was the question?
Regis: You still have your lifelines.
Gourry: (clueless) That's good to know.
Regis: What is your final answer?
Gourry: Hmm...ah...
Regis: Is that your final answer?
Gourry: Um, okay.
Regis: You are correct for one hundred dollars.
Gourry: Oh, okay. Can I go now?
Regis: You want to take your hundred dollars and leave, when you could have one million?
Gourry: Good point. I'd hate to look stupid.
Regis: (dryly) Heaven forbid. Now, for two hundred dollars--
Gourry: Hey! You said it was for a million!
Regis: We have to work up to a million.
Gourry: Oh. Okay.
Regis: Now, for two hundred dollars, in the legendary comedy routine, 'who' was on first? A) What B) Who C) When D) Where.
Gourry: What?
Regis: Is that your final answer?
Gourry: Is what my final answer?
Regis: What.
Gourry: Is what my final answer?
Regis: Is 'what' your final answer?
Gourry: To what?
Regis: THE QUESTION!
Gourry: WHAT QUESTION?
Regis: Who's on first?
Gourry: I don't know, who?
Regis: Is that your final answer?
Gourry: Is what my final answer?
Regis: I thought that who was your final answer.
Gourry: Who?
Regis: IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?
Gourry: TO WHAT?
Regis: To the question!
Gourry: What question?
Regis: The question that I asked.
Gourry: When?
Regis: Is that your final answer?
Gourry: To the question who's on first?
Regis: YES.
Gourry: I told you I don't know. Why don't you ask him?
Regis: Ask who?
Gourry: Whoever is on first.
Regis: Whoever isn't an option.
Gourry: To what?
Regis: The question!
Gourry: WHAT QUESTION?
Regis: WHO'S ON FIRST?
Gourry: Who's on first?
Regis: CORRECT! FORGET IT, YOU JUST WON A MILLION DOLLARS!
Gourry: Hold on, I thought you said that question was only worth two hundred.
Regis: I lied to ease your stress.
Gourry: What stress?
Regis: ARG! GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE!
Gourry: Who are you talking to?


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Slayers Library -> Humor -> Channel Surfing, by Mango


"Slayers" is copyright H. Kanzaka / R. Araizumi. Original ideas, artwork, and text present on this page are copyright Esther Nairn, unless otherwise noted. No reproduction is allowed without express written or emailed permission. Violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.